Heal The Humbug

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.  As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure!  Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said,  “I’m the new ordained pastor in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday.   I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  “Awww, come on… You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

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Words of Wisdom from Military Manuals – Laugh or Die

‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’ – Infantry Journal -

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’ – US Air Force Manual -

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’ – General MacArthur -

‘You, you, and you. Panic.  The rest of you, come with me.’ – Infantry Sgt.-

‘Tracers work both ways.’ – Army Ordnance Manual -

‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’ – Infantry Journal -

The three most useless things in aviation are:  Fuel in the bowser (mobile fuel tank on the runway); Runway behind you; and Air above you. – Basic Flight Training Manual -

‘Any ship can be a minesweeper.  Once.’ – Naval Ops Manual -

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’ – Unknown Infantry Recruit-

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.’ – Infantry Journal -

‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’ – Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -

‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’ – Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’ – Unknown Author -

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.’  – Fixed Wing Pilot-

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’ – Multi-Engine Training Manual -

‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’ – Unknown Author -

‘If you hear me yell; “Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’  If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’ – Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian CF104 Pilot -

‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.’ – Sign over Control Tower Door -

‘Never trade luck for skill.’ – Author Unknown -

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:  ‘Did you feel that?’  ‘What’s that noise?’  and ‘Oh S…!’  – Authors Unknown -

‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’ – Basic Flight Training Manual -

‘Mankind has a perfect record in aviation – we have never left one up there!’ – Unknown Author -

‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’  – Emergency Checklist -

‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.’ – Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’ – Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -

‘If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.’ – Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk -

‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’ – Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.  The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, ‘What happened?’  The pilot’s reply:  ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

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Laughter the BEST Medicine!!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says,

We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don’t step on the ducks!

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St Peter chains them together and says,

Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,

But One day St Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

‘I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, I don’t know about you,

But I stepped on a duck.

When things in life seem too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of cocoa.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.   The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full, they agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.   Of course, the sand filled up everything else.   He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cups of cocoa from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.   “Now,” the jar is full said the professor, as the laughter subsided,  “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – God, family, children, health, friends, and your favorite passions — things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else — the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first,  “he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.   The same goes for life.  If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.   Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with your children.  Take time to be healthy.  Take your spouse out to dinner.  Play another 18.  There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.”  Take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter.  Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the cocoa represented.  The professor smiled.  “I’m glad you asked.  It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of cocoa with a friend.”

It’s Christmas! - Take time to visit your best friend, give a copy of this story with a can of hot cocoa mix – and two special mugs – reminisce old times!

My first Christmas in Heaven

In Christ Who Was Born At Christmas

All Men May Live Again

Let us all remember

When our faith is running low,

Christ is more than just a figure

Wrapped in an ethereal glow–

For He came and dwelt among us

And he knows our every need

And He loves and understands us

And forgives each sinful deed–

He was crucified and buried

And rose again in glory

And His promise of salvation

Makes the wondrous Christmas Story

An abiding reassurance

That the little Christ Child’s birth

Was the beautiful beginning

of God’s Plan for PEACE on EARTH.

by Helen Steiner Rice

“At Sometime in Everyone’s Life, They stumble across Opportunity, Sadly most pick Themselves up and Walk away as though Nothing ever happened”  Winston Church Quotes

Opportunity Knocks

A Tribute To all the Wonderful Women out There!

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream..
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.

They don’t take “no” for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
And cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
A birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they
Think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
Can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what
Makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
Family and friends.

Women have vital things to say
And everything to give.

If there is ONE flaw in women,
It is – they forget their SELF-WORTH.

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A Tribute to Getting Older and Gray Hair

I  would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.  I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so fascinating on my patio.  I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world  too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose  business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and  sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60  & 70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love …. I  will.

I  will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini sun bathers.

They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful.   But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.  And I eventually remember the important things.

We are blessed to be women and men that have lived long enough to have our hair turning gray, with our youthful laughs forever etched into deep grooves on our face.   So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As  you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.  I don’t question myself anymore.   I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being older.  It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been,  or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single  day (if  I feel like it).

Sure,  over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you  lose a loved one, or when a child suffers,  or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and  compassion.  A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of  being imperfect.

May you always have a rainbow of smiles on your face and in your heart forever!

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Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down – going 73 in a 55 zone.  It was the fourth time in a few months.  How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially.  Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard.  Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.  The cop was stepping out of his car with the big pad in hand.

It was Bob? – Bob from Church?  Jack sunk farther into his trench coat.  This was worse than the coming ticket – a cop catching a guy from his own church, a guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office, a guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he’d never seen in uniform.

“Hi, Bob. It’s fancy meeting you like this.”    “Hello, Jack.” – no smile.   “I guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.”   “Yeah, I guess.”  Bob seemed uncertain, which was good.   “I’ve seen some long days at the office lately.  I’m afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once.”   Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.

“Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.  You know what I mean?”
“I know what you mean.  I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.”   Ouch!  This was not going in the right direction.  It was time to change tactics.

“What’d you clock me at?”   “Seventy.  Would you sit back in your car please?”  “Now wait a minute here, Bob.  I checked as soon as I saw you.  I was barely nudging 65.”   The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.  “Please, Jack – in the car”  Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door slamming it shut.  He stared at the dashboard.  He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.  Why hadn’t he asked for a driver’s license?  Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.  There was Bob with a folded paper in hand.  Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.  “Thanks.”  Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word.  Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.  Jack unfolded the sheet of paper.  How much was this one going to cost?  Wait a minute.  What was this? – some kind of joke?  It certainly was not a ticket.  Jack began to read:

“Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter.  She was six when killed by a car – you guessed it – from a speeding driver.  After a fine and three months in jail, the man was free – free to hug his daughters, all three of them.  I only had one, and I’m going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.  A thousand times I’ve tried to forgive that man.  A thousand times I thought I had.  Maybe I did, but I need to do it again, even now.  Pray for me.  And be careful, Jack.  My son is all I have left.  Bob”

Jack turned around in time to see Bob’s police car pull away and head down the road.  Jack watched until it disappeared.  A full 15 minutes later, he too pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care.  Drive safely and carefully.  Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

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“Tomorrow when you arise, say out loud three times this one sentence, ‘This is the day which the Lord hath made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.’   While dressing or getting breakfast, say aloud a few such remarks as, ‘I believe I can successfully handle all problems that will arise today.  I feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, it is wonderful to be alive.   I am grateful for all that I have had, for all that I now have, and for all that I shall have.  Things aren’t going to fall apart.  God is here and He is with me and He will see me through.  I thank God for every good thing’.”

Norman Vincent Peale Quotes

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