Archive for the 'Need a Laugh' Category
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new ordained pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on… You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”
Words of Wisdom from Military Manuals – Laugh or Die
‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’ – Infantry Journal -
‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’ – US Air Force Manual -
‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’ – General MacArthur -
‘You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’ – Infantry Sgt.-
‘Tracers work both ways.’ – Army Ordnance Manual -
‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’ – Infantry Journal -
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser (mobile fuel tank on the runway); Runway behind you; and Air above you. – Basic Flight Training Manual -
‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’ – Naval Ops Manual -
‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’ – Unknown Infantry Recruit-
‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.’ – Infantry Journal -
‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’ – Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -
‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’ – Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -
‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’ – Unknown Author -
‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.’ – Fixed Wing Pilot-
‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’ – Multi-Engine Training Manual -
‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’ – Unknown Author -
‘If you hear me yell; “Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’ If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’ – Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian CF104 Pilot -
‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.’ – Sign over Control Tower Door -
‘Never trade luck for skill.’ – Author Unknown -
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: ‘Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and ‘Oh S…!’ – Authors Unknown -
‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’ – Basic Flight Training Manual -
‘Mankind has a perfect record in aviation – we have never left one up there!’ – Unknown Author -
‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’ – Emergency Checklist -
‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’ – Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’ – Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -
‘If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.’ – Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk -
‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’ – Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, ‘What happened?’ The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St Peter says,
We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don’t step on the ducks!
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St Peter chains them together and says,
Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
‘I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, I don’t know about you,
But I stepped on a duck.
Spit It Out - In Lacrosse, Wisconsin, officers investigating the theft of a safe and some beer tokens from a bar found a trail of tobacco spit leading from the scene of the crime. They collected the spit and had it analyzed, and the DNA led them to two 21-year old criminals, who were arrested.
reprinted from the Portland Oregonian’s “The Edge”
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, when I was a baby – how was I born ? 
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: I’m all Yours!
I just wanted you to know, I’ve entered the Snap Dragon part of my Life. Part of me has Snapped and the Rest of Me is Dragging!
Why is there a fence around the graveyard?
Everyone is dying to get in!!
If this doesn’t make you laugh – go ahead and close your casket!!!
A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, ‘Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?’ Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, ‘Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.’ ‘Fine job, Jack!’ The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. ‘You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.’
Turning to Paul, ‘ Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?’ Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, ‘I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.’ The minister responded, ‘That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.’
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, ‘And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?’ Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. ‘What is this?’ the minister exclaimed. ‘Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?’
Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!’ both Jack and Paul said in unison. ‘We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.’ ‘Yes, this does seem unlikely,’ the minister agreed. ‘I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.’ Louie shrugged. ‘I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,’ he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. ‘For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!’ ‘A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,’
‘W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l- like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-y-you?
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