Words of Wisdom from Military Manuals – Laugh or Die
‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’ – Infantry Journal -
‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’ – US Air Force Manual -
‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’ – General MacArthur -
‘You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’ – Infantry Sgt.-
‘Tracers work both ways.’ – Army Ordnance Manual -
‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’ – Infantry Journal -
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser (mobile fuel tank on the runway); Runway behind you; and Air above you. – Basic Flight Training Manual -
‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’ – Naval Ops Manual -
‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’ – Unknown Infantry Recruit-
‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.’ – Infantry Journal -
‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’ – Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -
‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’ – Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -
‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’ – Unknown Author -
‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.’ – Fixed Wing Pilot-
‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’ – Multi-Engine Training Manual -
‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’ – Unknown Author -
‘If you hear me yell; “Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’ If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’ – Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian CF104 Pilot -
‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.’ – Sign over Control Tower Door -
‘Never trade luck for skill.’ – Author Unknown -
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: ‘Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and ‘Oh S…!’ – Authors Unknown -
‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’ – Basic Flight Training Manual -
‘Mankind has a perfect record in aviation – we have never left one up there!’ – Unknown Author -
‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’ – Emergency Checklist -
‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’ – Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’ – Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -
‘If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.’ – Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk -
‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’ – Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, ‘What happened?’ The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St Peter says,
We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don’t step on the ducks!
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St Peter chains them together and says,
Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
‘I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, I don’t know about you,
But I stepped on a duck.
